A Point of Realisation..
The past few days were one of the most memorable days in life I have had. Tomorrow I will be leaving for Manila to study. A few days ago and until now, my day consisted of two things: staffing the PALS seminar, and meeting my friends from the Japan scholarship program I took last December.
On the 23rd of April, it was my despidida! Kara, Nicole, and a few other people planned the event. And of course, I’m really grateful for it. =] I arrived half an hour late; unfortunately, because my dad arrived late so we had to wait for our turn to use the car. Being late did not spoil the fun at all! I was glad to see many of my close and some newly met friends. People from Sacred Hijas, Southcrest, and CIS were there. Matt, from my Japan scholarship program occupied the table as well. Because CIS is an international school, the people from there still had classes that day. I was really happy that they took their time to go and even stay for just a short period. =P What was wonderful was that Juella (a friend) made five songs that were inspired from me. Her beautiful voice and well made melodies accompanied her meaningful lyrics. These songs only took a day to make, and her reason behind it was that I inspired her. =) Of course, I was very happy she was. After the rather expensive meal at Rai Rai Ken, we went off to Timezone to play a few games. DDR was awesome! Although I was horrible, Jamie and I both had fun. =) After a few rounds dancing, I found myself extremely hot. DDR should be in a gym! We left for Starbucks for a drink (and because it was air-conditioned). I bought a cup of tea, my sis bought some chai, and Jamie bought a frap. Izzy kept sipping my tea. =P As we drove home, we found out that the remaining money we had was the exact amount to pay for the parking area in Ayala. I was aghast and disappointed at myself. My sister and I spent 700 pesos in one night. That was like 350 a person. I do not like spending to much, especially on things that will only keep us happy for the short term. 350 pesos is almost a hundred pesos more than the minimum wage in Cebu. Of course I had to be gentle with myself and see this as a lesson. =)
At the next day, I closed my bank account because I’m leaving for Manila. I read a book in Power Books; but I was told to stop reading after they found out that I was done with more than half the book and taking down notes. I was supposed to have lunch with my friends from the Japan trip, but unfortunately there was not time to do so. =[ After that we left for the PALS meeting at 5 p.m. at the same afternoon. This was where I met Joey's (the PALS speaker) son -- Kevin.
Today was the day of the seminar. We, the staff, had to arrive an hour and a half before when the seminar actually starts. The preparations were fun and time seemed to fly by. I wanted to improve my social and motivational skills so my job was to be the microbuddy leader. It was a blast meeting new people, you see things from a different perspective and learn new things when talking to people. =]
There were many important things that I’ve learned by being a part of the staff. There was a point when Joey asked "Who is not good in math??" I was about to raise my hand, but then I overheard Monica (my first micro-buddy) saying that these perceptions are actually programs that limit us from improving ourselves. And she was right. I was grateful to her for that. At the night we left Parklane to go visit my Japan buddies at Crown Regency. My mom bought a few boxes of pizza for us and the Manila people had dozens of Krispy Kreme boxes. It was heaven! =D After a few hours spent there, Kevin insisted that I sleep over at his hotel room at the venue. Apparently I was extremely reluctant to do so. I will be sleeping in the same room of the speaker. But after some reassurance, I was persuaded to go.
At the next morning, we had a really nice buffet breakfast at the hotel. We then went to the seminar which was just a floor above the restaurant.
Today was the most significant day of PALS so far. I learned a lot. I already knew that I was confident with talking to a few people. But what I realised, and I didn’t know about it, was that I was not comfortable speaking with large audiences. I also realised that I need to improve my skills in influencing people and motivating people to do things. I have to realise that my wants are different from theirs; and that if I want to change people I have to genuinely welcome their wants if we even recognise that their wants are different from ours. I’m pushing myself outside my comfort zone right now. I definitely have made mistakes in guiding people; but it’s from mistakes that we learn (everyone says this, and it’s true). I asked to read a journal of a friend, she tells me that I can only read the first entry. It’s amazing how much insecurity and low confidence the journal revealed this person had. It’s even more amazing this person now confident and extremely prudent today. It’s amazing that you can do so much in one year that can change your life.
Today I’ve made such a great point of realisation. The girl that I like (and the feeling’s mutual) hardly approaches me. I have to approach her first. She seems to always hang out with a friend. If you would ask me what I would do when something like this happens, you would hear me say that I wouldn’t mind. I was surprised that the opposite happened. A feeling… a very familiar feeling… struck me. This feeling was in my chest area. Could it be my heart? I asked myself, "What kind of feeling could this be?" It was a small taste of what I felt in a breakup — a breakup that took me two months of tears to recover from. Of course, I did not feel that amount of pain. If you’d compare the feeling I felt today and my breakup, it would be like a grain of sand in the desert. How small this grain may be, it stung. "Why should I be feeling this way?" I asked. My logical side tells me that I shouldn’t. But still… the feeling was there.
It was perhaps jealousy.
"Why the hell should I be feeling jealous?" I asked myself again. The wonderful thing about being human is that we can separate our thoughts from emotions. Animals cannot. Although doing this can be very hard (I find it hard myself sometimes), at least we still can do so. This is what I did, I separated my thoughts from my emotions.
"Why should this matter? I’m leaving for Manila anyway."
I did know that we had no possibility or potential for a relationship together. And I definitely knew that I would find another person there. This was my greatest point of realisation. I discovered that I was heading for my downfall. I realised that I shouldn’t centre myself on relationships. I remember talking to the school nurse. He mentioned that from the age of adolescence to 18, we find our identity. This is the stage of finding who you really are. And from the age of 18 to throughout college, we experience the stage of "relation isolation." At this stage we feel left out when we aren’t in a relationship. When we are in one, and when we break up; it becomes very difficult to cope with the emotions, especially under the heavy demands of college.
According to the "7 Habits," there are many possible centers in life. One is being "friend centered." It’s very nice to have friends, in fact I tend to have as many as I can. =] The thing is, I don’t think we shouldn’t centre our lives on friends. Friends come and go, and they have to potential to stab you in the back. What happens when they desert you? You would feel miserable. Another centre is being "stuff centered." We shouldn’t base our confidence and esteem on our phones, money, clothes and the Ferrari we have in our garage. What happens if they’re gone? You can answer that. One of my favourite quotes is: "If who I am is what I have, then who am I?" This explains it very succinctly. =] There are also other centers that we may find surprising: "school centered," "parent centered." One of the centers with a very languid foundation is being "relationship centered." We should not let relationships affect the important things we do. It’s okay to have as many boyfriends and girlfriends as we went (one at a time!), but we shouldn’t have our well-being dependent on our relationships.
What this person, the person I like, made me realise is that I my emotions were clouding my judgement. Oh yeah, the centre that we should be in is on our principles. Principles are values and virtues that include: Honesty, Hard-work, Confidence, Honour, Humility etc… Principles never leave you or stab you in the back. And because she made me feel these feelings now, I realised how much pain you can go through being in a relationship. And I have to thank her for that. =) How can I cope up with these feelings in college? I have the rest of my life with me. Why rush? =P
This person is still significant in my life, and I still like her. Although she might still like me or not anymore, and I might do the same; she would still be a significant part of my life. =]
